


Who Says You Have To Leave Your Past Behind You?

by Emmy_Pond604



Series: Rachel!! [1]
Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Hurt/Comfort, No Beta, Panic Attacks, SUFFER WITH ME, Sympathetic Deceit Sanders, Sympathetic Remus Sanders, Unsympathetic Patton, i'm not sure which, in the past tho, or anxiety attack, yr girl freaks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-12
Updated: 2019-10-12
Packaged: 2020-12-14 00:53:44
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,852
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21006992
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Emmy_Pond604/pseuds/Emmy_Pond604
Summary: a really self- indulgent I wrote (it's sanders sides but it's focused around a character of mine sooo)





	Who Says You Have To Leave Your Past Behind You?

**Author's Note:**

> (quick A/N: Rachel is an oc of mine. I wanted to write this for my own benefit. Rachel is trans and everything else you need to know is in the story. FIGHT ME HATERS)

There were many things the core sides knew about Rachel. Rachel had a strong attachment to Virgil, though it wasn’t in a romantic way, and never would be considering Rachel didn’t like people that way. Rachel was a neutral side that represented Thomas’ instincts, or the things he did without thinking, though they did originally think she just represented Revenge. Rachel was trans. 

However, there were also things the core sides didn’t know. They didn’t know that choosing Rachel as her name was just a fluke and not on purpose. They didn’t know that when they limited her powers because they thought she was Revenge and only Revenge, she used them anyway, hurting herself to make sure Thomas was okay. And most importantly, the core sides didn’t realize she still hung out with ‘the dark sides’ as they called them.

Whenever Rachel had free time and wasn’t hanging with the core sides she tended to head over to the other part of Thomas’s mind to hang out with the others. She made her usual stops on the way, stopping by Remy’s to get some hot cocoa and talking with a lot of the others on the way. ( “Heathen,” Remy would always call her as she picked it up, Rachel only laughed and reminding him that if she had coffee Thomas would get really jittery so he gave her a pass. That didn’t stop him from saying it every single time though.) After walking to what was probably seen as the neutral area to the core sides, Rachel started heading to the castle. Also known as, ‘Deceit and Remus both decided they needed to be extra edgy.’

As Rachel entered the castle, she felt someone following her. She had a feeling she knew who it was but decided to mess with him a little bit as she walked to her location. She waited until she felt someone right behind her and quickly slid out of the way, nearly dropping her hot chocolate in the process. Just as she slid out of the way, a mace hitting the ground where she just was. “Remus we’ve talked about this, unlike Lo I can’t come back easily from this stuff. I may know it’s not real but considering I’m Thomas’s reactions, I still get hurt for a little bit.”

Remus grinned his crazy grin at Rachel. “But Raaaayyyyyy,” Remus said, causing Rachel to snicker a little, “I only really get to see you when you come here so I don’t get to mess with you as much anymore.”

Rachel couldn’t help but laugh a little. “That doesn’t mean you can put me out of commission for 30 to 45 minutes,” she said, “And besides, that would mean you’d have to spend less time to me as there’s only so much time I can spend here before the others realize I’m gone.”

Remus pouted a little as he realized that Rachel was telling the truth. “But it still sucks that we don’t get to see you that often.”

“I mean you can always come with me as I talk to Dee,” Rachel said, grinning at Remus.

Remus grinned at her. “Does that mean I can hit you later,” he asked excitedly.

Rachel laughed as she started walking. “No Remus, that is not what I mean. I don’t feel like getting knocked out tonight.” Rachel laughed at the sad look on Remus’s face as she walked to Dee’s room.

Rachel had been told time and time again that she could just walk in, and she figured that it would be the same this time. “Dee you are not going to bel-,” Rachel started as she walked in before abruptly stopping. As Rachel walked in she saw Dee, but she also saw someone she didn’t expect to see. Patton was talking to Dee. Patton was here. Patton never visited here. She was going to get sent back. Rachel didn’t even say anything else, she just reacted. She felt the hot cocoa she was holding slip out of her hand as she literally bolted out of the room. She heard someone call out her name but she couldn’t tell if it was Remus, Dee, or even Patton. Her instincts kicked in and they told her she had to get out of there.

If you asked Rachel later what happened between her bolting out of the room and finally stopping, she wouldn’t be able to tell you. She remembered running but besides that not much. The next thing she remembered clearly was standing inside of her old room, breathing heavily, trying not to have a panic attack. She looked down and noticed how much her arms were shaking. She started pacing a little before she ended up curling up in the corner of the room. She had to calm herself down. She really had to calm down. She didn’t want Virgil to show up and see her right now. She was probably already dealing with one of the core sides at least being upset with her if not kicking her out, she didn’t need Virgil to give her a betrayed look as he popped up trying to calm her down. Oh gosh, what if Patton tried to come here to give a talking to her. She didn’t know if she would be able to handle that. She didn’t know if Patton knew where her old room was, but she didn’t want him to find her. Which is why when Rachel heard the door open, her heart clenched in fear. Which is why she felt a sense of relief when she saw it was Dee instead of Patton.

“I didn’t think I’d find you in here,” Dee said as he walked in and sat down next to her.

“How did you know I was here,” Rachel asked quietly, still curled up into an anxious ball…oh gosh she was currently Virgil. She was acting just like him when he had a bad anxiety attack. 

“Well it’s not like you always come here when you’re upset or anything,” Dee responded.

Rachel smiled slightly. “I guess that’s true, I guess there’s something about this room that’s a little calming.”

“Mind if I ask why you didn’t run out,” Dee started to ask before he paused for a second, ‘If you’re uncomfortable with that.”

“Honestly,” Rachel started, glancing away from Dee “I panicked. I’m always been afraid of what will happen when the others find out that I’ve never stopped visiting you guys and hanging out with you guys. And then I walk in to talk with you, and there’s Patton. Patton, who is the reason there are two creativities. I know he’s trying to be better but…” Rachel trailed off, the implication behind her unspoken words still there.

Dee sighed, making Rachel glance towards him. “Do you really believe he’s still not like that?”

Rachel hesitated, her mind running over what she knew about Patton. He was the father figure of the core sides, always there for them when they needed him. And yet there was the way he seemed to act before around any non-core side. He was so accepting when she had revealed to them that she was trans. Yet there was the fact the Romulus had been split because Patton didn’t like that he was different. And yet most of the recent facts seemed to point to the fact that Patton was changing. Patton seemed to be trying to make amends to the ‘dark sides’. He was definitely getting better once she stopped to think about it.

“I guess he’s not,” Rachel said in realization. She immediately felt guilty. “I let my instincts take over again didn’t I?”

Dee seemed to realize that Rachel wasn’t expecting an answer and only chuckled a little. “Well, it’s totally your fault for what your body does on autopilot.”

Rachel smiled at Dee. “Thanks, I really needed this. Besides if I had freaked out any longer, Virgil probably would have shown up.”

“Yes, Virgil never showed up,” Deceit said, causing Rachel’s eyes to widen. 

“Dee what do you-”

“How are you always able to sense when I’m here,” Virgil groaned from where he had been hiding in the shadows.

Rachel immediately paled. “H-how long were you standing there?”

“It’s not like he was standing there since before I came in,” Dee said.

Rachel paled even further. Virgil knew. He knew. He was going to hate her. She was so stupid, why had she done this. Why-

“Rachel listen to me,” Virgil said coming over and sitting on the other side of her. Rachel glanced up at him as she started shaking again. “Can you breathe with me?”

Rachel nodded and started breathing along with Rachel. In the years since they met, they had done this together many times. Rachel was able to calm down and grinned nervously at Virgil. “Were you really listening to us the whole time,” she asked him.

“Sorry Ray, I could feel you getting anxious and I was going to calm you down. But then I popped up here and Dee showed up before I could ask. Did seeing Patton talking to Dee freak you out that much,” Virgil asked.

“How’d you know,” Rachel asked, sniffling.

“Patton headed out a bit after you did, my guess is he headed straight there and from what Remy’s been telling me, you normally talk to everyone before you head to talk to Dee and Remus. So chances are neither of you ran into each other until I suddenly felt a surge of anxiety.”

“Sorry about that,” Rachel muttered.

“Come on Ray, you know I always feel when someone gets anxious. And besides this only confirmed what Lo and I have been thinking for a while now,” Virgil started before realizing his mistake and cursing under his breath.

“Patton would totally not be upset with you if he was here,” Deceit said with a slight smily on his face.

“Well he’s not here, is he Dee,” Virgil retorted, “so I’m fine for now.”

“Virgil what did you mean it confirmed what you and Lo had been thinking for a while,” Rachel asked Virgil, her voice shaking a little.

“We didn’t want to confront you on anything, but we’ve had our suspicions for a while. Especially considering what Remy would say whenever I came to hang out with him. He always complains about someone who will never drink coffee. He tried to not give you away but you’re the only one I know who turns down Remy’s coffee. Not to mention we already figured you were going somewhere sometimes,” Virgil said.

“How,” Rachel asked.

“Sometimes Lo would head to your room to ask you a question and you weren’t there. And once we added that to the fact that you visited Remy, well it wasn’t hard to put the pieces together,” Virgil said.

“You’re not mad,” Rachel asked, looking up at Virgil. 

Rachel couldn’t see at the time, but Dee was giving Virgil a ‘you hurt her, I hurt you’ look from behind her back. 

Virgil, without Rachel noticing because she was too caught up in her thoughts, gave Dee a look saying, ‘You act like I would ever hurt her’ before turning back to Rachel. “Ray, I was never mad. I was a little confused as to why you wouldn’t tell me but not mad. I had a bit of a falling out with the others after the Remus incident, but you didn’t. You just came with so I’d have someone there to talk to. It makes sense that you’d miss the others, you didn’t have to keep it from me. After all, this was your home, and unlike me, you weren’t completely okay with leaving.”

“How did Logan react,” Rachel asked.

“Besides making sure Roman and Patton didn’t find out until you were ready to tell him, he really didn’t. But I think the fact that the one way he did react was to make sure that the people who might have reacted badly wouldn’t find out says something.”

“I guess you’re right,” Rachel said with a smile, “Thanks, Virge.”

“I absolutely hate this conversation we’re having,” Dee started, causing both Virgil and me to look at him, “but Patton is definitely not worried by now.”

Rachel cursed under her breath. “You two were so good with calming me down I completely forgot I left Patton there.” There was a quiet chuckle from both Dee and Virgil and she shot a glare at both of them. “Is Patton still in the same place,” she asked and after getting a nod from Dee(he didn’t need to lie when it came to body language after all) she started running back. She could feel Dee and Virgil following behind her but that wasn’t important right now. What was important was that she talked to Patton now that she realized the truth. As she made it back to the castle(again Dee and Remus being edgelords), and walked back to the room she saw Patton looking a bit uncomfortable as Remus had started rambling, which he tended to do when he got nervous. Patton probably didn’t know that though so it was probably best to get him out of that situation before it was too late. “Hey Pat,” Rachel said from where she was standing in the doorway.

Upon hearing Rachel, Patton immediately perked up and started heading over to Rachel. Rachel winced a little as Pat stumbled over to her. Had she made him that worried. “Are you okay Rachel,” he asked, looking down at her worriedly, “You literally bolted out of here when you came in here.”

“Sorry Pat, I freaked out a little when I saw you, Dee proved to me how ridiculous me freaking out was. Especially considering people apparently already knew.” Rachel glared back at Virgil. 

“Hey to be fair, you literally bolted and almost had a panic attack when you saw Pat here and feared the worse,” Virgil responded, “Can you imagine your reaction if you had found out that two of us knew and weren’t saying anything. You would have definitely have feared the worst.”

“okay I guess that’s fair,” Rachel muttered, pouting a little.

“Kiddo, you know I care about you. You’re my princess, I wouldn’t kick you out for something like going to visit your old famILY. You may be a part of famILY now, but that doesn’t mean you’re not still a part of theirs. It just means that you’re a princess to multiple people,” Patton said smiling at Rachel and offering a hug. A hug that Rachel immediately accepted.

As Rachel snuggled into the hug a little, Virgil decided it was time to make Rachel realize something. “You realize you have to tell Roman now right, he doesn’t like being the only one who doesn’t know something.”

Rachel let go of the hug to groan and glare at Virgil at the same time. “Don’t remind me, he is part of the reason I’ve been stalling telling you guys,” Rachel groaned. “I know how Roman sees you guys, and it’s not in a good light.”

“Well if he tried to hurt you because you’ve been hanging out with us then perhaps I’ll need to have a little talk with him,” Remus said, grinning evilly.

“Remus that’s a wonderful idea,” Dee said rolling his eyes.

“I’ll only kill him if he hurts Rachel,” Remus said before he clearly got an idea and snuck up behind Rachel.

Rachel didn’t notice him until it was too late as she was trying to convince Pat, who was eyeing Remus worriedly when he mentioned killing Roman, that it actually wasn’t possible for them to kill each other when she felt her feet get lifted off the ground and she literally squeaked. “Remus! Put me down,” Rachel said, trying to get out of his grip.

“Nah,” Remus said before running off to where the core sides house was, while still holding Rachel. Rachel could hear the collective, groaning, cursing, and threats, from behind her and she glanced back to see the others chasing after Remus, as they knew what he was going to try to do.

Fortunately, it did end up going well. Though Rachel admits, she wished she had a camera as Roman saw all of them, with Remus carrying Rachel (she tried to escape multiple times with little luck), burst into the common room. She didn’t know what was better, Roman’s reaction, or Logan literally just glancing up from his book before continuing reading. But surprisingly, Roman was actually pretty okay with it. Apparently, he actually went to visit with his brother in the imagination from time to time. Which made Remus’s threat to kill him if he wasn’t okay with Rachel visiting him and Dee make since because Roman would have been the biggest hypocrite if he wasn’t okay with it. In fact, after that, Dee and Remus actually started visiting the core common room. They warned the others first but it was after they started visiting that Rachel realized something important. Her famILY hadn’t changed. It had just grown.


End file.
